Growing Old Disgracefully by Yvonne Vincent

Mr V wore his Star Trek trousers yesterday. “Why Star Trek trousers?” I asked. “Because they look like trousers from Star Trek,” he replied. Obviously 🤷‍♀️. The upside of this was that I got to say things like “get your card out and pay, Number One. Make it so.” As I have the sense of humour of a 6 year old I felt compelled to inform him that I’d been calling him a wee all day. This did not dampen his enthusiasm, possibly because in addition to the Star Trek trousers he has bought some waterproof trousers. I have yet to figure out why and, if I were to ask, the reason would no doubt be “so my legs don’t get wet.” Again, 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, we jumped into hyperspace (alright, my piffless little car but a girl can dream) and found ourselves at Costco. Mr V wanted to go to Costco because at any moment there may be a world shortage of chicken nuggets, chips and San Pellegrino and I might make him eat...shudder...vegetables. I wanted to go because they’ve opened an ice cream parlour and because shopportunities.

As ever, we went in for a few things and came out with a trolley that looked like it was filled by two people with ADHD who had just won Supermarket Sweep. I was particularly taken by the giant Christmas baubles, shouting excitedly “Oh look! Big balls. I do love big balls!” Sadly I was not allowed to buy the big balls as my trove of shiny things hidden in the boot of the piffless car has been discovered and the budget for Christmas decorations has now been re-evaluated to £0. I don’t think I could even sneak these in under the radar and claim we’ve always had them because Mr V would surely notice he had such huge balls.

Before we left Costco we went to the cafe. I resisted the ice cream but somehow a Christmas mince pie fell into my mouth. I have no idea how these things keep happening to me. While we were sitting there I got a call from the company that sold me my car. Had I thought about gap insurance? It was my last chance to buy gap insurance and had I seen their fifty gazillion letters and texts about it? I set phasers to stun, put my deflector shields up and politely told the caller to please go away. Mr V said I should have asked the salesman if he had eff off insurance. I said he’d only be going “you can’t say that to me! I have eff off insurance!” Then we had a lovely conversation about all the times telephone salesmen would make claims on their eff off insurance. Because as grown ups who own Star Trek trousers and covet big shiny balls we like to discuss serious topics. 

On returning home with a car boot full of sugar, alcohol and chicken nuggets, Mr V decided to try on his waterproof trousers. As he stood there in the living room in his underpants I looked at him and said “we really should have got the big balls.”

Mrs V 


Mrs V - mostly nice middle aged lady who rejects everything middle and just has a laugh instead. Mother/herder of two teenagers, wife/provider of food to Mr V and source of warmth and cuddles to two smelly dogs (my wee hairy boys). I’m determined to grow old disgracefully and when that’s done please bury me at sea in a chocolate coffin. You can read more from Mrs V here:

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